I am not ok and it's ok

I took my 4th dose of methotrexate this week and it did not go well. I was hoping as time goes by my body would adjust and handle the meds better.

Earlier this week, rather end of last week I noticed my body starting to flare again. More inflammation, more pain, more irritability.

My theory, I flare because my immune system is over active. Thus the meds hits harder to get my immune system 'under control'. Being new at this and not really understanding all of this yet I am speculating wildly.

Its been a rough week although we had some highlights.

We had new hatch-lings and they are always just too cute. Mommy chicken is just so protective and it gives me so much satisfaction to watch. We are getting close to lambing and that is always fun and amazing to see.

Spring is here so the sun is out and the birds are singing. The swallows came back, that to me is the greatest part of spring.

It is just so depressing and frustrating when you realise that you don't do a lot of things because it just hurts too much. A window in my kitchen swung open in the wind and I can't be bothered to close it because it is just too painful.

Somehow my kids temper tantrums align with my painful flares. When I really just can not deal with it they pull out all the stops and make life as difficult as they possibly can. It is then that I just want to go crawl into a hole and wait till it all passes. But I can't, I am the mommy and all eyes are on me to discipline and educate them.

I am struggling with an extreme painful shoulder. It is at the point where I am certain that there is joint damage. It's been a problem for a couple of months now. It is of course the arm I use when I pick up my little ones. They are 3 years and 1 year. I can not tell them mommy is not going to pick you up because my arm hurts. They just don't understand that.

Oh gosh, some days this is just not easy at all. Ok, it is never easy but some days it is just impossible to deal with. Even the ones closest to you, the ones that love you the most don't fully understand. I would not understand and would get really irritated to constantly hear, how painful it is.

If I could have a glass to cheers to less painful days and better pain weeks I would. The meds and alcohol is not a good idea so lets just have some tea.