Since my hospitalization it's been a Rocky Road to navigate. The severe impact this condition has on your mental health is scary.
After the hospital stay I came home and was in more pain than before. The steroid cocktail lasted only for the day it was given. The next day the pain was back.
I got home armed with information and exercises and rules on what to do and what not to do. I had a dark cloud hanging over me and felt deep sense of loss.
All of that being in the back of my mind I missed my kids terribly. Sammy has big emotions that he needs to deal with and he struggles with emotions. Everything is just too much when it is out of the ordinary. He needs to know what's going to happen and when it's going to happen. I arrived home and found Walt Disney type eerily well behaved tv style kids. Hello mommy, in a calm manner, a big and they strolled back to the couch where they quietly watched tv. I was still very fragile in body and mind and enjoyed the peace.
A couple of hours later a volcano of emotions erupted in spectacular fashion. 3 volcanos really. The baby volcano had baby needs and emotions that had little cure eruption spurts. The oldest tried to his back the flood of emotions but you could see the raw red glow through the cracks of the outer layer of rock. The middle one was the most dangerous, unpredictable and unstable mass I have ever seen. Triggers: hugs, physical touch, eye contact.
He did not understand why momy was gone, why did she leave us. Why is she not coming back? He had anger, fear, panic all rolled into one teeny tiny human body.
It took him 2 weeks to wind down.
It's now a month ago and we are getting back to a type of normal for him and us.
I fell into a depression. A come and go depression that I guess was more mourning of my old self. Its an ongoing process.
I couldn't do the things I enjoy anymore. Ever.
I needed to do old person exercises, everything is a mission.
It's hitting me harder than I thought and dealing with my own realisations and nursing my kids fears is not an easy task.
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